every week or so, i feel the urge to vocalize and reel around my recent success with naturally thin. i don’t really discuss it with anyone else in the outside world, as i had been hiding my disturbed eating from everyone for years and years, though i’m sure they knew. it feels so wonderful, and is such a relief to have a normal relationship with food. 6 months ago, i had a huge breakdown with my husband, screaming and crying, “i wish i could remember what it is like not to be afraid of what i eat! i eat all night, why am i so hungry?! i starve myself all day, why can’t i lose weight? why can’t i just eat?!”. i questioned my mental health daily. i ate the same thing every day. every meal was a celebration, a low calorie, perfectly portioned feast, a false idol. food was all i could talk about with my friends, “new low cal low carb recipes” seemed to make their way into every conversation. i realized i had no personality any longer, food took priority in my life and made me into a junkie. since i started naturally thin a few months ago, i have started sewing, reading, talking with my friends about their LIVES, and taking new genuine interest in my husband. the queen of chocolate concoctions doesn’t even think about that stuff any longer. no more 3 hour long craving for peanut butter dipped chocolate ice cream sandwiches. yes, i would crave them for hours. why didn’t i get what my BODY was telling me? “feed me real food until i tell you to stop, not when the measuring cup says so!!!”
so this is my weekly check in with the new reality that i actually love.